Heaven's Tiny Angels

     What a refreshing feeling it is to finally realize that all things do happen for a reason. Maybe it’s me getting older, or maybe it’s the fact that I truly feel content with life, whatever it is, I can honestly say that I have found peace with the loss of my son 16 years ago. It took many years to be able to say that, and so very many tears. There was a time I couldn’t look at his picture without the flood of tears, but now I look at it often, with a smile of the proud mommy, I truly am. I’ve never been one to feel sorry for myself, but losing Josh completely changed me. Our grieving takes us in different directions, and for years I was always searching for someone to talk to about my angel, and somehow I found that here on the internet, being able to talk so completely about him, without the uncomfortable looks, totally opened my eyes to what I needed to heal. It took 13 years, but finally I was finding myself including my Josh into normal conversations with everyone around me. The people that are close to me started to understand and I started to finally heal. Now my angel is always apart of my life.

     As for the reason, well actually I see many. First I believe God knew that at 19 taking care of a special child would be so very hard, not that I wouldn’t of welcomed it, but instead I was blessed with a healthy son a year and a half later. Sure there were times I wondered what it would have been like to watch my two boys grow up together, but would Zane of been here, if Josh didn’t go to Heaven? Second I learned to appreciate the miracle my Zane truly is, the life I was blessed to take care of, is truly a blessing that sometimes is taken for granted. Third, as fast as children grow, and as much as I long to have more, my angel is my forever baby, the little boy that I can look forward to holding, when my times come. And fourth learning to heal my own heart has also helped me to reach out to comfort others.

     At this time I am now working on my 4th memorial angel baby, with each one I find myself connecting completely with the angel that I am creating. I find myself bonding with a baby I’ve never met, but yet that bond is still so very real. My life is touched with each of there stories and my heart goes out to all of their families. And as I work on each of them, I hope that this sweet little doll will give a least a little comfort, to the mommy I am making it for. Nothing will completely heal our broken hearts, until we finally realize that all though our angels can not be seen, they are always here with us. And it’s not until we learn to watch and listen with our whole hearts, that we finally do realize that. For me my Josh is the sun that warms my face, the star that shines the brightest at night and the love that holds our family together. He is a part of me that can never be taken away, and is always here to listen and comfort me when I need him.

     If you have read this completely, I hope you find yourself thinking about the things that I have said. We all have crosses to bear in life, but for each cross we carry, there is a reason, and a lesson to learn. Life is what we make of it, and I plan on living mine as happy as I can. Reflecting on only the heartache and challenges only takes away all of the good things life has to offer.

Take care my friends.

Angel Hugs,

Tracy